Koharu | Lost Notebook
Jason
Xiaochun has one regret, which she has mentioned several times, which is that she lost a notebook.
At that time, he worked in a late-night canteen. In the early morning when there were few customers, after finishing his work, he would sit at the table outside the kitchen and write down his feelings in a notebook with a fountain pen. He was young and had a lot of feelings. He had just left his original work life in Xingtai, Hebei, and came to Dali two or three years ago. He had just broken up with his lover and had nothing to do to kill time and relieve his pain, so he came to work in the late-night canteen.
He first came to Dali with his ex-girlfriend because of a relationship. He lived in a youth hostel, where he met many young people of his age, including Wang Yue and Chen Xiaoyu. They sunbathed, played, and fell in love together. At that time, Chen Xiaoyu filmed a documentary "The Villagers by the Sea", which was about their lives during that period. Later, Xiaoyu went to Canada to study directing. After returning, the film " Going by Boat " he filmed has been selected as one of the last few films of FIRST and is being prepared for release. Wang Yue is married with children, and Xiaochun has run the whiskey bar Chunlu Tavern for many years.
A few days ago, I wrote about a cold buffet at that time, which reminded him of his memories of life in the late-night canteen:
"I instantly went back to the past. That was the golden age of my life. Those who left have gone, and those who are still alive have grown old. When I think about it, you were only my age back then. Time flies. You are old, and the tailor and I are also your age. Sincerely, thank you all for appearing in my life, making me full, sincere, happy and wonderful. It's great.
I remember the first time I went into the kitchen to wash dishes for you. You asked me where I was from, what I was doing, whether I was interested in catering, and whether I wanted to try the late-night canteen. That moment also changed the trajectory of my life. "
This is also how I feel. Meeting these people, having these things happen, and keeping them in my memory, has made me who I am now. During that period in the past, several important people have even left. In the changes and emotions, even in the helplessness and loss, I can feel the power of life. "
Without the notebook, it seemed that the intense period of his life had disappeared, leaving only some vague impressions. The memories in his brain were overwritten by new content, and he was a little terrified: he seemed to have become a different person, just like the Ship of Theseus with most of its parts and even its shape changed. He wanted to go back and see himself. If he had the notebook, it would be great, so he could go and meet his past self. Unfortunately, someone took the notebook away, taking away the Koharu of that period.
Give Xiaochun a place to write his feelings in essays, to store his fragmented feelings, past and future. Maybe immature, maybe intense, maybe biased, but they are all small details, small things, but the sincerity is better than all the fabrication. I remember Shu Yang said that he didn't like all the fabrication, and this word revealed an atmosphere that made him uncomfortable. He also said that Xiaochun's narrative style is "legendary".
I met Xiaoyu once a few years ago when he came to Dali. On the lawn of Xunguang Farm, he said during our chat: "What happened is important, and how to narrate it is also important." This is probably his experience in writing and making movies.
The tag of this collection of legendary narratives is "Xiaochun"
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2023.2.18 Xiaochun
In the past six months, I have been constantly examining myself and I have found that I have changed a long time ago. My friends know that I have changed, and I also know that my friends know that I have changed.
There must be some changes for the better, but they are so small that I can hardly notice them. I just hate myself more and more. Compared with my previous self, my frankness, enthusiasm, sincerity and purity have all been discounted, but not much. It's like a piece of ice mixed with impurities. It doesn't affect the transparency of the whole piece of ice, but those impurities are like a thorn in my throat.
I don't know exactly when I changed, but I know that by the time I noticed it, it must have been a long time since I changed. Maybe it has something to do with my unchanging life and work, or maybe it has something to do with my learning ability. I feel that my self-growth has stagnated. These changes make me feel painful and disappointed, and it is difficult to forgive myself, but this is the fact, and there is nothing I can do.
I have analyzed my subconscious through my words and deeds. These changes are due to social factors, work factors and survival inertia. But these factors are too subtle. Sometimes it is a sentence, sometimes it is a subconscious action. After it happens, I suddenly realize why I am like this. I continue to dig deep into my inner subconscious and realize that I have changed a lot. It is unintentional, but I admit that the subconscious will not lie.
I have fewer and fewer soft moments in my heart, and my sensitivity to the things around me is getting lower and lower. Instead, I am more indifferent, and I am going further and further in my narrow life and cognition. I can realize all these, but I am only aware of them. Those subtle changes make it difficult for me to find a clue to correct them. I don’t know what I will become in the end, I can only try to slow down.